Light Entertainment

 


 

There are times when things go wrong - and you don’t know whether to laugh or cry - quite often all you want to do is go and hide somewhere to get away from it all.

 

When this happened to me - my friend Pam immediately sat down and wrote me an ‘ode’

 

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Enjoy - I hope they make you laugh

 

 

It's not much fun being gated,

For days on end at a time,

To sit here all day I am fated

As though I've committed a crime!

 

I feel like I'm under house arrest,

With soldiers, with guns, at the door,

I keep myself busy, doing my best

But stuck here all day is a chore.

 

I love my Jim, don't get me wrong,

And am happy to do things for him,

But shut in here, the days are long,

With prospect of escape very dim.

 

Now come along Ann, be of good cheer,

Don't moan and bewail and complain,

I can drink when I like, a wine or a beer,

Till I can get driving again.

 

I can do all the jobs that never get done,

Like polish the budgie, and shave the cat

Who care's it's not mine, it would be fun,

I'm sure its owners would love that!

 

I could make rude faces at those who pass by,

Who cares if they think I'm potty?

With a bit of fun, the time will fly,

I'm not the type to be grotty.

 

Think of all the money I save

By sitting indoors every day,

No Lakeland or Tchibo will I crave

No Sainsbury's or Tu - no way!

 

It's good I can't to the shops just pop

I am much better off staying here,

But when I get out, I'll shop till I drop,

And make up for time, never fear!

 

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Bureaucracy has got to me

I'm sick to my toes with the lot

Waffle from the Powers That Be

I think they are losing the plot.

 

I know! I think I'll emigrate

That'd throw them in a tizzy!

I leave a note upon the gate

'Gone to Oz to see Auntie Lizzy'

 

Emergency plans would then be made

Comps and Allied would have to rally

To share the jobs through which I wade:

Chore number one, Sir Bill will have to walk Sally!

 

'Never mind the office, Paul, come and see to Jim'

Which Paul will do with all his heart and soul.

He'll wash and dress and feed and care for him

While along some sunlit beach I stroll.

 

Kerry can do all the washing that's soaking in the tub

Delia can be on shopping fatigues, I think;

Marcia can get on her knees and all the carpets scrub

Jill can attack the washing up I left in the sink.

 

'Gone to Oz? God, how long for?' they'll all panic

Bill says he's lost the dog, 'run off with a terrier'

'Leave the chores!' All helpers are now manic

'Must find Sally, quick, so the more the merrier!'

 

 Paul has Jim in his wheelchair, snug,

Round the harbour they all split up

Jim watches, wrapped up in his rug

As the others frantically search for Pup.

 

No washing's done, the carpet's wet

The crockery's still sitting in the sink

The cupboards are bare, the sun is set

And the telly has gone on the blink.

 

I open the door, there is chaos everywhere,

'Oh God are we pleased to see you, how do you cope?

We lost the dog, then found her under Jim's chair!

When - or if - you'd return we didn't dare to hope!'

 

'Well now you know what it's like to be me'

I said, all smug and rather haughty;

I went to stay with friends at Eastbourne on Sea

And I know that it was naughty.'

 

Now perhaps you will listen when I say life's tough,

You can clean this place before you go, for free:

When the chores are done and you've had enough

You'll be bloody glad that you're not me!'

 

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I'm going to the shops today, two buckets for to buy

I hope no-one asks what for, as I am rather shy.

What colour shall I get, they don't do tartan,

I don't want too plain a thing, that'd be too spartan.

I don't want them to hit visitors in the eye

I need to disguise them, or at least try;

I'll buy some plastic flowers, and pop some in each,

And put them on a pretty stand, well within my reach.

If people stare and ask 'Why are your flowers in a pail?'

I shall say I fancied a change, and bought them in a sale!

Or maybe 'That's all the rage, it's called Art Nouveau'

But no way shall I say: 'Well actually, they're a Po'!!!! 

 

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So you want me to ditch all the fags?

And suck sweeties and stuff instead?

That Nicotinell is absolute Hell,

It reminds me of chewing old rags.

 

So you want me to chuck out the ciggies?

And become a non-smoking zone?

I'd pile on the weight, which you would hate

I'd look like an aunt of Miss Piggy's!

 

So you want me to kick the nicotine?

And throw my lighter away?

I'd go off the rails, with no coffin nails

I've been puffing since I was sixteen!

 

So you want me to give up the Smokes?

And be all sweet smelling and nice?

You just like the power, in your ivory tower,

You're all the same, you blokes!

 

So you want me to do as you say?

With a smile, a nod and a kiss?

Never to puff, just give up the stuff?

Tug my forelock and say: 'I obey'.

 

Well, you might think you'll get your way,

But I have some news for you buddy,

You can go all prissy, and throw a hissie

But I'm keeping my 'twenty a day'!

 

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Eureka! I'm an Achiever!

Now who would ever have thought?

But my friends, they're all a believer

An accolade for me they sought.

 

They wrote all nice things about me

To a man, at the local paper,

They sang my praises with much glee,

Oh crumbs! Oh what a caper!

 

I bet they never told him, though

About my 'other side',

My friends are loyal and never show

The things I sometimes hide.

 

Like my shopping trips to buy the food

In places where temptations lie,

A loaf, some meat, all very good

But then some lovely jeans I spy!

 

I try to do the right things, toe the line,

And usually succeed...........

Till it comes to ciggies (and the wine!)

Then I'm Wicked Mrs Reid!

 

But heck! I'm officially an Achiever!

I have a lovely trophy just to prove it!

But Hayley will be 'doing a Diva'

When she sees I've had to move it!!